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How Can Your Soon-to-Be Ex Just Erase You?

Coping with SeparationYou hurt…

It’s hard to let go of all the memories. Flashbacks of your life together keep the memories fresh in your mind. You find yourself longing for your marriage to be what you envisioned it to be when you took your vows.

But then there’s your soon-to-be-ex (STBX)…

How can the person who vowed to love you for eternity act like you don’t have a past together? How can he just act like you don’t matter to him? How can he be so okay with all of this when you are hurting so much inside?

The difference between what you feel and what your STBX seems to feel is beyond baffling. It hurts and bewilders. You’ll probably never get a satisfying answer as to why your spouse decided not to be dedicated to your marriage.

What Gives?

Your soon-to-be-ex seems to have removed you like a pencil eraser removes a smudge.  How can he/she be so cold when you are hurting so badly?


Because of the different roles each plays in the ending of a marriage, spouses are rarely at the same emotional place at the same time, unless the decision to divorce is a mutual one. The emotional detachment cycle for the person who betrays their marriage vows has generally been developing for some time before their mate realizes that the marriage is ending.

And then there’s the one who got married to stay married and still feels that way–I’m guessing that’s you.

Learning that your marriage is ending leaves you in shock.  Your emotions go into overdrive as you struggle to make sense of it all.  Your journey to accepting divorce is just starting.

You and your spouse are at totally different places in your emotional divorce.  It’s likely at least part of why you hurt and your spouse seems so cold hearted.  Knowing that doesn’t stop your pain but maybe it helps to understand these differing cycles of your emotional divorces.

So What Do You Do?

  • You Grieve. That’s normal. Divorce represents serious losses in your life. Allow yourself to cry and to work through the pain.
  • You Pray. At a time like this you do well to draw on the strength of a power beyond yourself. Talk with God about whether there is still anything you can do to save your marriage. There is no greater power than the God of your creation. Pray for wisdom, discernment, guidance, strength, and all your needs. Thank God for being there for you. “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 NIV
  • You Find Support. Coping with divorce is challenging. Join a support group. Get counseling. Avoid people who bring you down. Seek God’s healing power as you work through letting go of the past and moving forward with your life. For peer support, join After Divorce Ministries’ Facebook group, Separation & Divorce Christian Community.
  • You Become Proactive about Healing. Time helps but it doesn’t heal all wounds.  If divorce is your reality, learn all you can about what it takes to heal from divorce. Make positive choices. Process your emotions.
  • Learn All You Can about how to get through these times and move your life to a better place.  Read books like Peace after Divorce that support your journey in an organized way.

Do your best to accept that you and your spouse are at different places in your emotional divorces.  Be intentional about getting through this and coming out okay on the other side. With God’s help and by being intentional about healing you will get through this!


…preserve sound judgement and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you…”

Proverbs 3:21 NIV

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