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Divorce: How Can He Be So Cold and Heartless?

I’m in so much pain but he seems not to care that our marriage is over. It’s like I don’t even know him. How can he be so callused?”


“Out of the blue she just left. I’m hurting so much but she seems perfectly fine. I hate her for being so okay when I still love her.”

Like so many others I hear from these two people have been left by their spouses. Maybe they knew the marriage wasn’t perfect but having the divorce-wish bomb dropped by their mates came as a total surprise. No wonder they are confused and in pain.

How can the person you married seem so okay that your marriage is ending when you are so devastated?

It’s totally confusing at first but there is an explanation.

It has to do with each person’s emotional divorce.

Consider This…

People who want a divorce start to let go of their marriage when they first realize that, for whatever reason, the relationship isn’t working for them. Over time they emotionally disengage until they finally have emotionally removed themselves enough to announce they want a divorce. On the other hand, their spouses don’t start their emotional divorce until after they get over the shock of learning their marriages will be ending.

I want a divorce,” comes toward the end of one person’s emotional divorce and at the beginning of the other person’s emotional divorce.

In short, a leaving spouse is finally feeling relief just at the time he or she punches the unsuspecting spouse in the stomach with the word divorce. This creates bewilderment and confusion for the person who is being left.

It’s at least part of why the leaving spouse seems relieved or unemotional at the very time the spouse who is being left is in the greatest turmoil.

Does that make sense?

Does it help you understand why your spouse seems to be at such a different place than you?  I know it doesn’t take away the pain but it can help to understand why you are worlds apart in your emotions.

Getting through the Pain

Moving to your own emotional divorce takes time and intent. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and to work through all the thoughts that come with them. It’s a process that I can’t begin to fully cover in this post but it is a process you can get through.

Don’t trust healing to chance. Find a support group, see a counselor, and seek out resources that support your healing. I’ve walked the path of healing from divorce. It’s why I wrote the book, Peace after Divorce.*

I know you need real-life strategies for coping with divorce as well as faith-based inspiration. I know it helps to have guidance you can personalize to support your healing.

You can heal from divorce! You can find peace, joy, and a new life.

*Peace after Divorce has been recognized as an exemplary Christian book by the 2013 Illumination Book Awards. You can read reviews on Amazon at the above link.

Christian Inspiration:

Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.  Psalm 50:15 NKJV

About the Author…

Renee Smith Ettline is author of the award-winning book, Peace after Divorce, and founder of After Divorce Ministries, LLC. Her Christian divorce recovery blog posts every Friday morning. Church-based divorce recovery workshops based on her work are offered around the country.

Find out how to offer a Peace after Divorce support group at your church or click to see group locations.

A FREE Gift for You…

Complete the green circle at the top right of this page and we will send you a link to download Renee’s popular free eBook, 5 keys to Healing from Divorce. You’ll also receive Renee’s free monthly eZine with updates and links to valuable resources.

You may also be interested in…

Healing from Divorce: No Guts No Glory

Is Divorce Making You Crazy

Divorce: Moving from Acceptance to Renewal

Four Keys to Embracing the Changes of Divorce

2 Comments on Divorce: How Can He Be So Cold and Heartless?

  1. Liz says:

    Thank u I feel I have just begun the healing and he has completed his healing years ago and my 28 year old son is hoping for a change because family life is very important to him.

    • Renee Ettline says:

      Thanks for commenting Liz. I’m happy for you that your time to heal has come. Christ came so that we do not have to live in darkness. I pray that you find peace on your journey into the light. God bless you!

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