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How to Handle the Unfairness of Divorce and Still Stay Sane

It’s just so unfair. I was the faithful one. I gave my marriage all I had. My ex did not.

It seems that well over 50% of the people I’ve worked with have expressed these feelings. The specifics of their stories vary but each of them is pretty sure that they did nothing to deserve their present situation. They feel victimized by their ex.

They probably have every reason to feel like a victim.

And it’s a pretty bad feeling.

Sometimes we need to just stop and have a self-pity party. I don’t mean that in a rude way. I know first-hand that divorce puts you through some really tough stuff. Getting out the emotions helps.

Finances, children, where you live, and how you can afford to live can be turned upside down during divorce. I understand that your heart is also wounded so I in no way mean to be callused when I say have a pity-party. Your self-esteem probably took a few blows too.

All these things can be like acid eating into your being if you let them. So, it is good to spend time getting your frustrations out in an appropriate way. Don’t allow yourself to get too overwhelmed before you seek professional help.

Focusing your energies and thoughts on how you’ve been done wrong is okay for a while but it is no way to live. You reach a point where you have to decide to accept what you cannot change. If you’re going to find your way to a better place, you also need to change the things you can.

Every time you focus your thoughts on how you’ve been done wrong you feed your misery. Yet, it can be hard to change your thoughts. You can do it. God can help.

Tackle one thought a week. For example,

It’s not fair that my ex’s new spouse gets to spend more time with my children than I do.”

Ask yourself, what is in your power to control and what is not.

  • Can you see your children more?
  • Can you improve the quality of the time you spend with them?
  • Can you develop a positive relationship with their new stepparent so that you can better co-parent with that person and your ex?

Change the things you can and commit to letting go of the rest. Talk with God as you work through this process. Be patient with yourself.

Your thoughts play a huge part in how you feel about your life. We all need a pity party at times. But, at some point we finally need to ask, where is this line of thinking getting me? The answer is probably lower and lower.

Day-by-day and thought-by-thought you can begin to move out of a victim mentality and move yourself forward. It doesn’t totally erase sadness and it can’t undo events of the past. Yet, accepting what you cannot change, and changing the things you can, will increase your joy and put you in the position to find happiness in life again.

It’s a challenging journey but you can do it with focus, intent, and God’s help.

“For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he….” Proverbs 23:7

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