Do you find yourself spending a lot of money on your kids? More than before separation or divorce?
I’m not talking about spending money on life’s essentials or the occasional treat.
I’m talking about trying to ease the impact of divorce by buying stuff and even spending lavishly.
If so, see if you can find yourself below…
Are You Trying to Buy Your Kids’ Love?
When you split it’s logical to be concerned about keeping a positive connection with your children. This is especially true if you’re not the custodial parent. You want your kids to know you love them and buying things they want can be an easy way to make them like you. Beware! Saying I love you with money can backfire on you and sabotage your kids.
How? You’re kids come to associate your love with your giving things. That comes to mean that when you aren’t giving and buying, you are no longer loving them as much. It’s a terrible lesson to teach them about love. When you begin to tire of this pattern yourself or your credit cards max out you’re left in a financial pinch. Even if you have endless funds you are creating a relationship with your kids that is based on money instead of the more emotionally bonding aspects of love.
Are You Soothing Your Guilt?
Every loving parent hurts for their kids during divorce. But, if you’re soothing your guilt by overspending you are creating the same problems cited above. Spend time with your kids. Help them to understand that their parents still love them. Let them know that divorce is not their fault. If you’re in the early stages of divorce, let the children know how their life will change and that it will be okay. Listen. The effort you put into these nurturing activities will benefit your child and your relationship far more than any amount of money you could spend.
Are You Getting Back at Your Ex or Soon-to-be Ex?
Revenge! It can be so seething or so subtle that you don’t really stop to think about what you’re doing. I’ve seen many parents who use their secure financial status to divide and conquer, trying to win the kids’ loyalty while driving a wedge between the kids and the other parent who is on a tight budget. It’s a form of flaunting and manipulation. It is not good for your children and frankly it is not good for you because you continue to feed your frustrations and anger toward your ex.
Make Your Kids Winners!
Kids benefit most when they have a cooperative arrangement between their parents. Give your kids the greatest gift of all. Set your differences with your ex aside and work together to create a balanced and consistent life between your two homes. When you do this, everyone wins.
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About the Author
Thanks for visiting my blog. I’m Renee Smith Ettline, a Christian who has been through divorce, knows the pain but also knows life after divorce can be marvelous. I believe you can find healing just as I have done.
God’s done a pretty neat thing and woven together my faith, His love, my experience with divorce, and my background as a counselor to create an award-winning book called Peace after Divorce. It’s a healing walk through practical strategies for healing from divorce along with inspirational scriptures that give you hope and assure you of God’s love for you.
I’d Love to Hear from You!
If you read the book, please write me and let me know what you think. I also welcome your comments on my blog. You can also tell me what you want me to write about and I’ll be sure to respond to you.
Oh, if your church doesn’t have a group or class for people hurting from divorce visit our website to learn about our Peace after Divorce Groups and to find out about our small group curriculum for churches and Christian agencies.